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اللغة التي علّمتني إيّاها هجرتني منذ سنين. أغلقَت الباب خلفها وذهبَت، آخذةً معها كلّ ما أملكه من بقاياكَ وترسّبات حكاياكَ. سرقتَ منّي رائحة سجائر الوينستون التي تشتعل على بلكونة المطبخ، تحت ضوء القمر الناضج. على صوت طفلةٍ تتسامرُ مع والدها حول الشيوعية ومعاني أغنية فيروز "يا حرية" المنبثقة من الراديو. على وقع أحاديثٍ حول الثورة التي لطالما حلمنا بها سوياً، أنا وأنت أيها الناشط الوجيه الذي لن يعرفه التاريخ لأنّه رفض الانتسابَ لأيّ حزبٍ للتأكيد على ميوله اليسارية وبلورة جهوده التغييرية في بلاد الجنوب والغربة.

اللغة هجرتني تماماً مثلما أغلقتَ أنتَ الباب خلفَكَ وسلبتَ طفولتي الحائرة منّي. ما زلت أحاولُ أن أقشر هويتكَ الملتصقة بنخاعي الشوكي، أن أنتزع رائحتكَ العالقة بكريات دمي وأبدلها بعبقِ الإطارات المشتعلة بنيران الثورة، بعنبر العرق المتلألئ على جباه الثائرات والثوّار. لكن كلّ محاولاتي تبوء بالفشل الذريع. بيروت بجمالها وغضبها وعنفها وحبّها تذكّرني بكَ وبتخّبطي الدائم بين انعدام الكلام وبين الحاجة الماسة لأشعر أنّي جزءٌ مسموعٌ من هذه الثورة، وليس بظلٍّ يلوح من بعيد.

يقتلني هذا الشعور أنّي غير قادرةٍ على تأدية دوري كمواطنةـ أنّي لست تلك الشابّة الثوْرَويّة التي تقف في وجه البلطجيّين وتتعرض للعنف على أيدي هراوات قوى مكافحة الشغب، فدى الوطن ورمزاً لنسائه. حتّى الكلمات لا تسعفني! أنا لست بصحافية أو باحثة أو ناشطة تاريخُها حافلٌ بالنضالات. أنا مجرّد مترجمة مبتدئة تحلم باكتساب الثقة الكافية للخروج من منطقة الراحة لنشر هذه الخواطر أمامكم. مجرّد فتاةٍ أفاقت منذ سنة من سباتها العميق لتبحث عن مجموعةٍ تشاركها أفكارها وآراءَها السياسية. خرجَت لتجد عائلةً خارج روابط الدم والعلاقات العاطفية الفاشلة، تتقّبلها وتحتضنها، رغم رهابِها الاجتماعي المتخفّي بحسّ فكاهيّ مقيت وترّدُدِها في مواكبة المتغيّرات التي طرأت على الحياة عموماً بعد طول غيابٍ عن العالم البشري.

هناك من يحيكون خلايا ضوء النهار ويوصلونها بعباءة الليل الحالك في الساحات، غير آبهين بالمجهول المختبئ خلف الباب أو ملمس الزفت البارد تحت أجسادهم المرهقة. يرمون بكامل تركيزهم على الهدف الثابت أمام أعينهم: إبقاء الثورة مستمرة. وهناك أنا، سحلية لزجة…. تسبح في عفونة أفكارها السوداوية النيتشوية وشللها أمام سباق الحياة والزمن.... تفكّر بسببٍ آخر تستخدمه في الصباح لإقناع دماغها بالبقاء على قيد الحياة والاستفادة من الوقت الضائع للدنوّ قرباً من أحلامها.

تارّةً تجدونني أتابع أخبارَ شعبي بلهفةٍ منتشيةً خلف ضوء شاشتي، وتارّةً تسمعونني أبكي هستيريّاً كلّما أرسلتِ الطبقة الحاكمة زعرانَها لتكسير الخيم وتحطيم الهمم (استحالة). لكن هذا أقصى ما يمكنني فعله للشعور أنّي جزءٌ من هذه الانتفاضة. فبالكاد أقوى على انتشالِ نفسي كلّ يوم من راحة الموت في الصباح المبكر والتوجه إلى وظيفةٍ أكرهها لإبعاد أشباحِ الفقر عن امرأةٍ أكل الدهر وشرب من شبابها. امرأة لا زالت تكافح، ليس تحت طائلة النسوية التي ترنّ هجينةً على مسمعها. بل كأمٍّ اتخذت قرارَ الكفاح الصامت بعد أن رُمِيت جيفةً حية التهمتها أنيابُ الزواج المبكر وسلبت منها أحلامَ الطفولة البريئة. كامرأةٍ جلّ همومها إبقاء الصورة النمطية التي سُجنت فيها ناصعة البياض، خالية من الشوائب. هذه الامرأة التي لن يهبّ الاعلام لتصوير عملها الرعائي الشاقّ، من كنسٍ ومسحٍ وطبخٍ ونفخٍ، بينما تدفع بالأجيال التي ربتها للذهاب إلى الساحات. قد تهبّ نسوية لتعترض على تكريس كلماتي هذه للصورة النمطية الملتصقة بالنساء. وممّا لا شك فيه أن العمل المنزلي يلازم المرأة كظلها بطبيعة النظام الأبوي لمجتمعنا. لكن هناك مشكلة أخرى تمكن في عدم تقديرنا لهذا العمل غير المرئي المخبّئ بين الجدران وداخل البيوت. في عدم تقديرنا للنساء اللواتي اخترن البقاء في المنزل، اللواتي لا يُطَرْطِقْن على طناجر التيفال المقدسة "لأنها تْفِنْغه ما بْتُخْرُط الراس". اللواتي اخترن العملَ بصمتٍ إلهي ولا زلن يثُرن على العقلية المتحجرة التي جعلت منهنّ حبيساتٍ في قفص الأمومة، عبر تربية أجيالٍ قادرة على البدء بما مُنِعنَ من القيام به. لا بدّ لي أن أذكركِ أنتِ أيضًا يا أميّ، بالرغم من اختلافاتنا الواسعة ومحاولاتك الدائمة لتكبيلي داخل شرنقتك، كي لا أرسّخ بدوري المفهوم النمطي للعائلة وأطمسَ قيمة نضالك القائم خارج التنظير والتنظيم الثورجي الذكوري.

***

لماذا هذا الشعور الدائم أنّ على مشاركتي في الثورة اتّخاذَ شكلٍ محددٍ لتّتسم بالأهمية وتكون أهلاً للتصفيق؟ ما هذه المعايير النضالية التي تفوح منها رائحةُ الذكورية الآسنة ومفاهيم الضعف المهترئة؟ أليس بإمكاننا أن نثورَ بصمتٍ بديل، على أنفسنا أوّلاً وعلى السلطة ثانياً، من دهاليز عقولنا وغياهب أفكارنا؟ متى أُقنعتُ بهذه الأكاذيب….. من أقنعني بها؟ لكنّي لن أكفّ عن المحاولة بكلّ ذرّةٍ من كياني أن أعيدَ زرع أحبالي الصوتية، لربمّا أستعيد الكلمات التي سرقها منّي غيابكَ، والتي دفنتُ ما تبقّى منها إلى أجلٍ غير مسمّى. لعلّ وعسى أنجح في حياكة دورٍ لي في هذه الثورة وأتمكّن من كسر حاجز الصمت.

يتملكنّي شعورٌ لذيذٌ، لكن للأسف مثقلٌ في الوقت عينه بأعباء المسؤولية واحتمالات الفشل، أنّي الكائن الذي يشاطرُ ثورة الألفية زاويةً من زوايا رحمِ لبنان، أنّي طفلةٌ أولد من جديد، بصمتٍ أتمنى ألّا يكون حتميّاً، من سريري الأشبه بالقبرِ المكلّل بالورود. من سيل دموعي التي تمتزجُ بمياه الدش وأنا أنوح في عزلةٍ محبطة ووحدةٍ مطبقة. من بين قشور تلك السحلية اللزجة التي قررت الرميَ بجلدها والخروج للتعرف على شعبها الذي يشاركها الهمومَ نفسها، متنقّلةً بخوف أصغر حجماً بين ساحات النضال وحلقات النقاش التثقيفية.

ها قد جاءت الثورة لتحّررني، رويداً رويداً، من قيود نفسي وصراعي النفسي اللامنتهي. أتت لتضخَّ الحياة في عروقي تدريجيّاً بعد طول انتظار. فاليوم بتُّ قادرةً على تلمّسِ خيط الضوء الرفيع الذي ينسلّ ببطء بين تلافيف العتمة. بتُّ قادرةً على التجول بأحلامي وآمالي محمّلةً على أكتافي، حُرّة وحشية كزهرةٍ نارية……

 

 

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