نحن نستردُ حقنا في الظهور: غرابتنا المتوارثة، الثورة وايديولوجية التعتير

الصورة ل صوت النسوة 2019

 

 

الهواء في بيروت مطاطٌ وثقيل. علينا أن نجهد لنتواجد ونتحرّك فيه. منذ انتقالي إلى بيروت بقيت لسنوات أشعر بثقل غرابتي التي كانت تلفّني كمعطفٍ وتشلّ حركتي. الناس لا يفهمون ما أقول ويضحكون من لهجتي. رفاقي يستغربون ثيابي - سروال جينز "على الموضة" مع "كنزة بكشكش" وجاكيت عسكري- ولو لم يقولوا لي ذلك مباشرة. لم أكن أعلم أنّ ثيابي غريبة.

في المرة الأولى لدخولي المركز التجاري في بيروت، أبهرني الضوء واصطفاف الفواكه والخضار وحجم البرادات التي لا تنتهي. أضحكتني شرائحُ البطيخ وأنصاف العرانيس الملفوفة بالنايلون الشفاف. ولكني أخفيتُ ضحكتي. أحسست بأني غريبة وأن هذا المكان غريب. فيجناحِ المكتبة، شعرت أنني في مغارة علي بابا. كل مجلات الكرتون الأجنبية مصفوفة على الرف وهي بتاريخٍ حديث! كانت المرة الأولى  أرى فيها المجلة عبر الغلاف البلاستيكي الشفاف ومعها هدية، هدية حقيقية! كنت أظن أن تلك الهدايا مجرّد إعلانات. كانت كل المجلات التي ملكتُها إلى حينه قديمة وقد جلبها لنا أبي بعد أن رماها أحدهم على قارعة الطريق. أمعنتُ النظر في المجلة طويلاً ثم رددتها مكانها على الرف مذكّرةً نفسي أن هذه الأشياء ليست لي، هذا المكان ليس لأمثالي أصلاً. كرّرت هذا التقليد في كل مرة كنت أصادف المجلات مجدداً وتكرر معه الدرس: ظهورٌ، فغرابةٌ، فانسحاب.

كل شيءٍ كان مختلفاً في بيروت، كنت قليلة الكلام غالباً لأنني لا أعلم عما يدور الحديث ولا أعلم مِن أين وكيف أشارك في أحاديث الأصدقاء الاجتماعية. كنت أبقى في الظل أستمع اليهم وأجد لذة بأن أتخيل مثلا ما يقولونه عن المكتبة وغيرها من أثاث منازلهم. بدا كل شيء خيالياً فأنا لم أختبر هذه الأشياء البتة. كيف لي أن أشرحَ لهم؟ كيف أشرح لهم رغبتي في أن يكون لدي غرفة أُعاقَبُ فيها وأُمنَعُ من الخروج منها؟ بالكاد كان لي فراشٌ أقتسمه مع أحد أفراد العائلة ونُزيله في الصباح لتعود الغرفةُ غرفةَ جلوس. كيف لي أن أجد الانعزال في غرفةٍ - هي أيضاً لي- مزعجاً؟ هل كانوا دوماُ يعلمون ما هي الـ quicheمثلا؟ هل حقاً يعلمون كيف يستعملون السكاكين والشوك المختلفة على المائدة؟ كنت أجد بعضهم مثلي في بعضِ هذه المواقف وأشعر أن الغرابة تزول لبرهة، ثم أخبرهم شيئاً عني ويظن الجميع أني أمزح فأضحك معهم وأعود للاختفاء. 

نتعلم شيئاً فشيئاً أن ننتمي لهذه الغرابة التي تصبح غربةً صغيرة في حياتنا اليومية، تسكننا وتتنقل معنا وتظهر لنا في أوقاتٍ لتذكرنا أن لا شيء من هذا لنا. ما لنا أمورٌ مختلفة تملك قوةَ أن "تعيدَنا إلى مكاننا" إن "شاغبنا". لنا الرطوبة في الجدران والكَيْلة في الحمام. لنا الكتب المتأخرة وهموم إضاعة الأقلام واستراتيجيات تنقيط المازوت في الصوبيا وآليات تدوير استعمال المياه. لنا الثياب المستعملة والأحذية المبللة وساعات الطرد من الصف لأجل الأقساط. لنا تعييرُ الراهبات بأن أهلنا قليلو الاهتمام بنا، واقتراحات الأصدقاء باستعجال أهلنا بدفع الأقساط لكي لا نُطرَد مجدداً من الصفّ، وهم يظنون طبعاً أن الاستعجال هو الحل. لنا أن نكبر باكراً جداً ونختار ما نخبر أهلنا به ولنا الصمت خوفاً عليهم من الذنب. تعلّمنا منهم جُملاً يقولونها دائما وردّدناها لأنفسنا: "شو بدنا نعمل؟ هيدي الحياة".أما  تلك الحياة التي يتكلّم عنها الآخرون فهي ليست لنا. ما لنا هو التعتير وأساليب النجاة في التعتير. لنا الغربة والغرابة عن غيرنا من المواطنين والسقف الطبقي المنيع، ولنا تمسّكُنا الخائف بالتعتير وانتماؤنا الوحيد إليه لأن الباقي ليس لنا.

ولكن لِمَ أقول كل هذا الآن؟ لِمَ قررت أن أُهطل هذا الكم من الأحزانِ الصغيرة عليكم؟ أقول كل هذا لأنني أشعر باختلافٍ في الأمور: إن ما نراه في الثورة اليوم هو كمٌّ غير مسبوقٍ من الإفصاح العابر للصور النمطية. فجأةً شعرنا أننا أكثرية! أن نعي كمَّ وهول هذا الوجع هو أمرٌ جيد. نتعرّف على بعضنا البعض ونكتشف الآخرين وأنفسنا من جديد، ونكتشف - وإن متأخرين - أن قصصنا شبيهة.

 نحن نسترد حق الظهور. إنّما كل هذا استردادٌ - إنْ لحقٍّ أو لقرارٍ أو لمكانٍ عام - وهو أيضاً استردادٌ للوضوح. إمكانية أن نخرج من مخبئنا ونظهر كما نحن بغضبنا وغرابتنا المتوارثة (أو غير المتوارثة) أمام الجميع، هي قدرةٌ جديدة. كل هذا استردادٌ لحقّنا فيالظهور واسترداد للذة اكتشاف الآخرين دون خوف. قد لا تكون لنا أمورٌ كثيرة ولكن لنا السير في وسط البلد، لنا الأرصفة والأماكن العامة التي أصبحت تشبهنا أكثر، ولنا الضحك والبكاء. إنّ هذه – لا شك – أكثر مرة أبكي فيها فرحاً أوتأثراً بآلام غيري. إنها فترة الخروج من الأنا خروجاً سلساً كإزالة شريط أو كتسلل إلى شاطىءٍ عام.

والوضوح يزداد: الناس تخرج من فقاعاتها وتظهر على الملء بوضوحٍ لا يخلو من صورٍ مخيفة. من الواضح أن هناك ألف رهان لإعادة ترتيب الانشغالات وإعادة الناس "إلى أماكنها". وتأتي الأزمة المالية لتعيدَنا إلى بيوتنا حائراتٍ قلقات. كل هذا ترويضٌ على الملل و"إعادةُ تحجيم". لا وقت للأحلام في حضرةِ الجوع أو البرد. نتململ ونخبر أنفسنا آلياً أن هذه الأحلام ليست لنا.  

تقول أغنية فيروز أنه "في أمل أوقات بيطلع من ملل" ... وهل لنا إلا أن نأمل؟

 الأمل (بمعناه المعجمي لا الحزبي) هو المقاومةُ (بمعناها المعجمي لا الطائفي) الوحيدة للموت البطيء الذي نسير وكنا نسير نحوه. الاسترداد هو أولاً استردادُ الخيال والحلم وعلى هذا الحلم نجا الكثيرون والكثيرات قبلنا. بداية رحلة طويلة تتطلب إيماناً بإمكانية الحياة المختلفة وتخيّلاً لاحتمالاتٍ مختلفة في السياسة ولكنها لا شك البداية (بمعناها العملي لا الشعاريّ). لنا في خضم كل هذا القلق والحيرة، أمل يعتاش على انعدام الحلول المطروحة وعلى رهانات إخفائنا من جديد، ولكن لنا الوضوح والضوء الذي لا بد أن يأتي. 

 

 

 

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